Sometimes we face serious life challenges and it would be unrealistic to expect anyone just to ‘bounce back’. When facing death and loss it is impossible for life to go back to ‘normal’ as we once knew it. When people suffer a devastating loss, they are often urged to move on and get rapid closure from that loss. This sort of advice is at best impractical and at worst plain cruel. People need time to heal. Such adversity causes pain and wounds and People…Need…Time…to…Heal!
In the middle of a crisis situation a person is likely to be feeling both overwhelmed and distraught and may well have a real sense of hopelessness. When my husband suffered a life-threatening injury a number of years ago, my very lowest moment came the night after. Each of my girls was in her room crying and I could hear them, but I had absolutely nothing to give. I couldn’t get up and go to any of them. (In all fairness I hadn’t been to bed since the morning of the day before, having spent the whole night and day in at the hospital. I didn’t think of that at the time). In looking back, allowing them to express and feel their pain and grief was the best thing for us all. Nothing I could have said or done would have fixed or changed the situation.
As parents, we worry for our children when they face serious loss. As families, the best thing we can do is to mobilise social and economic resources. If somebody offers to help, accept it. Children and other vulnerable family members need assurance of continuity, dependability, predictability and leadership in spite of shattering loss. This can be a tough call when parents are experiencing that loss. There are no right or wrong ways of handling loss, and there is no shame at all in asking for help, whether it’s community (church, school, friends), financial (work, bills, Centrelink), emotional (counselling) or extended family. Don’t be too harsh on yourself – be as kind as you would be to a friend.
In earlier articles, I suggested ways of developing and building resilience. We all have an innate capacity for overcoming adversity and as we deal with life’s everyday issues, we draw upon this capacity. When a major life struggle occurs, we draw upon it in a much bigger way. Life may never go back to the way it was, but as we adapt to the loss we construct a “new” normal which may include a new way of looking at ourselves, at our lives and at the world.
If you are struggling through loss or crisis, please don’t hesitate to contact me for help.
(If a friend is going through a crisis, be specific about the help you are offering – don’t say “let me know if I can do anything.” Your friend may be too overwhelmed to call. Instead, tell them you will bring a meal around the next day.)
Mueller Community Church is hosting a Parenting Seminar by Meryem & Greg Brown on “Building Resilience in ourselves and our kids” on Saturday 16 June on Level 2 at MPAC. Please refer to MCC website for further details. http://www.mueller.church/
