When a person loses somebody close to them, friends may be unsure of how best to respond or help their friend.
We’ve all heard of people who say things that distress a bereaved person, and the last thing we want is to be that person, so we avoid our friend. This too can be distressing for our friend.
What can we do to support a bereaved person? In his book, Grief is a Journey: Finding Your Path through Loss, Dr. Kenneth J Doka (2016) offers some suggestions. The first point he makes is that nothing we say can ease the pain of anyone’s loss. Just being with a person shows support and empathy. It’s absolutely fine to not know what to say. Simply saying, “I’m sorry for your loss, I have no words,” is okay. Sitting quietly together may be all your friend needs right at that moment. You might find it difficult, but you’re there for your friend, not your comfort. Don’t be afraid to use their loved one’s name and don’t avoid using it. If they want to share stories about their life together, listening is the most precious gift you can give – listening and your presence. Don’t be afraid of talking about what the deceased person meant to you or sharing some special times you had with the bereaved. It can also be good to put that into a card or a note to bring some comfort to your friend later.
As well as listening, thinking carefully about what we say is vital when we are with a grieving person. Saying to a parent whose child has died, “At least you still have two children,” is not helpful, but only seems to invalidate or minimize their loss. Be wary of offering platitudes, particularly religious ones. Even the most devout Christian will be struggling and won’t want to hear things like, “She’s in a better place with God,” or “This is all part of God’s plan.” At the time of loss, generally all the bereaved person wants is their loved one to be with them. Experiencing grief for the loss of a loved one, does not indicate that person has lost their faith in God, and no grieving person should have anyone suggest that at all. Neither should they be criticized or corrected if they are having doubts or struggles with their faith. These are issues that they will resolve over time, but in the initial period of loss, a good friend will allow the bereaved person to express anything at all. As we saw earlier, a grieving person’s emotions are all over the place. Please, never indicate to a person who has lost someone, that it’s time they got over it or they need to move on. That isn’t helpful at all. A word of caution too, anything your friend shares with you during this vulnerable time should not be disclosed to anyone else. A true friend keeps a confidence.
Making decisions can be difficult for someone in the midst of grief, so rather than making a general offer to help or saying something like, “Call me if you need anything”, it may be more helpful to be specific about your offer. Offering to bring meals (and saying when), offering to run children to school or sports practice, asking if your friend wants some shopping done are just some ways we can offer practical support. You’re probably aware of other things that would help your friend.
Most people don’t need professional help when grieving, but the love and support of good family and friends is valuable. Don’t be afraid of crying with your friend, you won’t upset him/her because they’re already upset. Your presence, love, practical support, listening ear are the most precious gifts you can give.
