The Year Five students have been learning to ‘Show, rather than Tell’, with their writing. This is a technique that writers use to create a clear picture in the reader’s mind. 5R enjoyed doing some buddy writing to try and improve some sentences that tell.

Telling: The cake was delicious

Showing:

As my teeth sunk into the divine chocolatey creamy frosted cake. My eyes glazed over and my heart started beating rapidly, as I savoured the wondrous taste.         Ella P & Eden

As I took the biggest bite out of the mouthwatering combination of chocolate, vanilla and berries. I fell in love.     Luke & Finn

Mmmmm! As I gobble up the cake, it was like my tongue was wandering in a wonderland.     Zeke & Nick

As I licked my lips to get the choc chips of my mouth, I hummed because the creamy cake was tingling in my belly.     Rein & Josh

The cake was finally ready to be iced. It was going to be delicious. Emma & Mia

As the creamy goodness dripped down my mouth, my taste buds exploded with flavour.     Luke & Finn

Telling: The garden was beautiful.

Showing:

As we walked into the garden it felt like heaven. We saw the sunlight shining on the sunflowers that stood high in the sky.     Lily & Sienna

As I walked through the garden, there were birds chirping and singing. I saw flowers all around me reflecting the sunlight.     Jackson & Calliope

The wet green leaves shimmered in the sun, as the due dripped off the leaves.  Rykah & Riley.

The garden was always calm and the sun was always shining. It was stunning!    Poppy & Sienna

Telling: It was a stormy night.

Showing:

I heard the rain tapping on the roof. I was shivering and wondering when it would stop. When the thunder struck the power went out.     Ameer & Mandisi

As the black night sky surrounded our house, the window smashed with a lightning strike. The house was leaking and the kids were scared. When will it pass?  

Lily & Sienna

I trembled in my room while cuddling my teddy bear. Drops of rain got harder and harder on my roof.     Zeke & Nick

When I walked outside, it was black. I could see flashes of lightning and hear thunder.     Mia & Emma

Crash! Went the thunder as the ground shook under me. The thunder boomed as the rain poured down from the clouds.     Rykah & Riley

I was lying in my bed and in the distance I heard a big bang. The rain started to pour down on my window and the roof.     Blake & Cody

My teeth were chattering as the waves crashed on my boat as I was about to cry.    Holly & Amelie

I saw a big strike of lightning hit a house and the sky sounded like drums.     Jackson & Calliope

The rain dropped as I forgot to close the window. The frozen wind hit my mouth and my teeth chattered in the darkness.     Ameer & Mandisi

Boom! Went the thunder crashing onto my dad’s car. It was pouring down rain and I couldn’t sleep.     Zeke & Nick

I was dozing when I heard a loud bang in the distance coming towards my house.    Holly & Amelie

I jumped  when the thunder cracked a loud noise. I started to shiver as the rain poured over me.      Rykah & Riley

 

Telling: She was so sad when she lost her puppy

Showing:

Tears ran down her face as she couldn’t stop thinking about her soft, silky tiny, loving dog. Her eyes began to turn a cherry colour.    Poppy & Sophia

As she looked down upon her little puppy harness and dead corpse, tears welled in her eyes and her body heaved with devastated sobs.   Ella & Eden

She bawled her eyes out when she saw nothing in the dog house. She went on the hunt, but her puppy was gone. Her throat was dry and she cuddled her teddy bear.    Ameer & Mandisi

“Where’s my puppy” yelled Sally, as she ran outside to look for her. Sally’s face started to turn pale and tears ran down her face.     Blake & Cody