Fear – one of those words that can mean different things to each of us. Some people experience mild fear, whereas others feel paralysed by it. Fear is a vital response to physical, emotional and even social dangers. It’s a physical response when we’re in a threatening situation. Unfortunately, it can be aroused even when we’re not actually in danger – but when we imagine what could happen in a situation.
Fear’s not something that we can eliminate and indeed it would be foolish to attempt to do so. We need to be aware and alert when we’re in a dangerous situation. Fear can be instinctive (if we’re in pain); it can be learned (after a car accident a person may be afraid of driving); it can be taught (a parent may be terrified of spiders and pass that onto children). Fear can be both useful and healthy. The right amount helps us achieve our peak performance. If we have too little fear, we may lack motivation to perform and too much fear is likely to overwhelm us. We can both develop new fears and overcome existing ones at any age. The girl who forgot lines in her school play may grow up into a woman who becomes paralysed with anxiety when faced with public speaking. Preparing and practicing well in advance can help her overcome this fear.
Our children often fear social dangers – rejection and failure. Failure seems to be one thing that most of us fear – whether we’re adults or students. Next week, I will look more closely at fear that arises through our connectivity and social media.
There are a few things we can do and teach our children to do to help manage fear. The first step is to recognize that you feel afraid. Admit it. Next, analyse whether you are actually in a dangerous situation. (Obviously if you are, you will recognize that fairly quickly.) Use the analysis to consciously decide how you want to navigate the situation. Trust the decision you make and then act on it with purpose. Haneka comes home from school in quite a state as she has to give a five minute talk in class the following week. She has trouble sleeping and is quite upset about it. Telling her to toughen up and saying it’s nothing won’t help her at all and will probably only make her worse. Ask her what she’s actually afraid of. It might be that she’ll mess up; won’t be able to talk; forget what she has to stay or get laughed at. She’s not in a dangerous situation, so what steps could she take to navigate the situation? The most important would be to prepare well in advance, write it out and practice, practice, practice – in front of a mirror, parents and anybody else close to her. She’s still likely to be afraid, but hopefully, it will be more manageable for her and since she’s adequately prepared, it’s likely to go quite well. Fear can be a tool that we use to our advantage.
