Whenever we experience any sort of change, whether voluntarily or involuntarily, we often need to learn some new “life skills”. Our resilience depends on our being able to utilise existing skills and at times learning new skills. In her Resiliency Workbook, [1] Nan Henderson lists several skills that contribute to a person’s resilience. They’re all skills that we can develop in ourselves and encourage our children to develop.
All of us need to be able to communicate with other people. We need to be able to both start and end conversations. When we’re speaking with others, one of the most valuable things we can contribute is to listen actively. This means hearing the person out and then thinking about our response, rather than butting in or thinking of our answer and not listening. The best way to teach our children this skill is to model it for them. Our children do well to learn to ask people directly for what they want. When my children wanted something from their father, I refused to ask him on their behalf – they had to go and ask him directly themselves. (I came from a family where nobody asked a person for anything directly and would go in a round-a-bout way. Some members still communicate that way.) Handling criticism and conflict are both tough, but vital skills to learn. We all face problems and the earlier we develop problem-solving skills the better, however, it is never too late to learn. (Later in the term, I will post a separate article with a helpful problem-solving model to use with children). We all have certain strengths and weaknesses. Much of the time, we focus on our weaknesses, but there’s a lot of evidence that suggests by being aware of and focusing on our strengths, we minimize the effects of our weaknesses.
If we want to be resilient and want our children to be resilient, it’s important to work on these sorts of skills when things are going smoothly. When we’re drowning in the stormy seas of life, we use all of our energy just to survive and have to draw on the skills and strengths we already have. We often have nothing left to learn new ways of being. The paradox of this is that after we have weathered that storm, we may well discover that we have learnt new things and new ways of coping. Resilient people grow stronger in spite of the storm.
Mueller Community Church is hosting a Parenting Seminar by Meryem & Greg Brown on “Building Resilience in ourselves and our kids” on Saturday 16 June on Level 2 at MPAC. Please refer to MCC website for further details. http://www.mueller.church/
[1] Nan Henderson (2012). P43. The Resiliency Workbook: Bounce Back Stronger, Smarter & With Real Self-Esteem.
