“Sorry Mummy.” “Sorry Mummy!” “SORRY Mummy!” “SORRY MUMMY!!!” Little Miss Three Year Old had misbehaved and her mum put her into her bedroom. She had been taught to say “sorry” when she did something wrong. Mummy told her she needed to stay in her room for 15 minutes, however Missy thought the magic ‘sorry’ word would bring her immediate freedom. When it didn’t, the sorrys became louder and angrier. She hadn’t yet learnt that sincerity is important when apologizing. Children often say sorry to get out of trouble, but even we adults might attempt that too. All of us, regardless of age, gender or social status hurt other people, either accidently or intentionally. We all make mistakes. Even though apologising is such a powerful social skill, we give precious little thought to teaching our children how to apologize. Many of us never learned very well ourselves. How do we go about offering a sincere apology when we have wronged somebody?
First and foremost, we should apologise as soon as we realise we’ve wronged someone. Apologising is not easy and we may feel embarrassed or have difficulty facing that person. A good first step is to express remorse or regret for what we’ve done. Naming what we’ve done is important. “I’m sorry that I cut you off so rudely when you were explaining…” Taking responsibility and empathising with the other person shows we are genuine. “It was rude of me, and I imagine you may have felt that I didn’t care about your input.” It’s helpful to consider how you will resolve this and make amends. “I would like to hear what you were saying if you have the time now.” (Make sure you give the person your full attention if they do explain.) Finally, reassure your listener that you’ll make an effort not to do it again, “I will work hard not to do this sort of thing again, but if I do, will you call me out on it?”
One really important thing when apologising is to never ever follow the words “I’m sorry” with the word “BUT”. Ending an apology with the word “but” cancels out the whole apology. I am ashamed to say that a couple of times when I apologised to a daughter for losing my temper with her, I said something like“I’m really sorry for losing my temper like that, but you made me so angry at the time.” Offering excuses for our behaviour doesn’t make the situation any better. Even when the other party has contributed to the situation, don’t bring that up, just admit and take responsibility for what you did. Often, the other person will admit their wrongs too, but if not, you know that you’ve done what you can.
What are the consequences of not apologising? Simply put, relationships (personal or professional) are damaged; our reputation might be harmed; we might limit career opportunities to name a few. I also know that when I have done/said something wrong, I feel really bad about it. Finally, when somebody does apologize to you, try to be gracious and fair and hear them out. Share how you felt if need be. Forgiveness sometimes takes time depending on the severity of the situation. At those times, I remind myself that God has forgiven me so much, so I don’t really have a right to withhold forgiveness from another person.
