Jenny Billingham

Last week, we explored some of the myths and realities of grief that are included in Grief is a Journey: Finding Your Path through Loss: by Dr. Kenneth J Doka (2016).  This week, we’ll continue with these. Grieving people are often told after a loss that they need closure. It might be suggested that some particular action or event will bring closure. While rituals and memorials can be meaningful steps in the healing process, they will not close the emotions experienced by a bereaved person. Dr Doka points out that grief involves a lifelong journey and nothing changes that.

Loss is a universal experience and I didn’t feel adequately equipped to help clients in their loss, so last year, I undertook studies in Bereavement Counselling with the Australian Centre for Grief and Bereavement.  A lot of my preconceived notions about loss and grief were turned on their head.  The evidence did not support some of those beliefs – beliefs about stages of grief and the like. Over the next couple of weeks I’d like to share some of his findings with you.

Loss is a universal experience – if we live long enough, we’ll all lose someone. When we lose somebody close to us, we grieve, so grief is also a universal human experience. Even though it is something everybody experiences, no two people experience loss in the same way. Every person is unique, every relationship is unique, every loss is unique and each of us grieves in our own unique way. Grief has been said to be the price we pay for loving others.

Like everybody, I have times when I get stressed and overwhelmed. Life can feel a bit like a crazy cycle of ongoing busyness and we sometimes just want to run away. One of my favourite ways of de-stressing, is to get out and go for a walk. When I get out into nature I feel calmer almost right away. Since I love the outdoors and know the effect it has on me, I’ve become very interested in the idea of “wilderness therapy”.

Over the last few weeks we’ve been looking at the topic of contentment and specifically at what Dr Robert Lustig calls the “4 Cs of Contentment”. So far we’ve looked at Connection, Contribution and Coping.  Dr Lustig is an American Paediatric Endocrinologist who states that he considers the single most important key to contentment is to cook real food for yourself, for your family and your friends. Interestingly, this “C” incorporates the other three. When we cook, sit down and eat together, we are connecting with those people we love and like. We’re contributing to their health and well-being.

No matter how well we plan our lives, there are times when things happen that are out of our control. Accidents and illness happen; family or work crises arise; unexpected financial stress hits us. They can be the times we go into stress overload. Since they’re often unavoidable, what can we do to survive and make it through these times? The best way to cope is not to wait until difficulties happen, but to have some strategies and habits in place that contribute to our general well-being.

Dr Robert H Lustig writes that money doesn’t lead to contentment and that we are more than our money and possessions. Jobs can provide satisfaction and contentment if we are doing something that we feel is worthwhile to the community. Volunteering has been shown to increase health benefits and contentment in people of all ages, children included, and we all have something to contribute to this world.

I wonder what you thought when you saw the title of this week’s article. What does the word “connect” mean to you? Did you think something like, “I’m part of several Facebook groups, have a load of friends on Facebook and have a good number of followers on Instagram”? Without doubt there’s a place for these sorts of connections.

“I just want to be happy!”  “Surely I have a right to be happy?”  “Why can’t I be happy like everybody else?”  “I’ve spent my life looking after everyone else. Surely, I should be able to have some pleasure and do what I want.”

Insecurity is one of those feelings we all experience at­­ some time in our life. It can be a hard one to describe. We might feel a shadow of uncertainty, slightly anxious, unsure of whether we can trust ourselves or just a general uneasiness.