Just Show Up
Life doesn’t always go to plan and unfortunately, for us, suffering is part of everyone’s human experience. Fortunately, for the vast majority of us, it’s not a permanent state, though for some (especially those with chronic physical and emotional health issues) it can be.
When a friend or acquaintance goes through a tough time, we don’t always know what we can say or do. We fear saying something to upset them further so it can be tempting to say nothing or avoid the person altogether, which may add to their feelings of isolation and loneliness.
What’s the best thing you can do to support a friend going through a difficult time? You might think you don’t have the necessary ‘skills’ to help, but you do. All you need to do is to just show up for them. Being kind, listening to your friend and noticing if there’s anything that needs doing usually means far more than any words, suggestions or advice can.
The most valuable thing we can do for someone is to be kind to them. Notice, feel and respond to their pain or fear with a supportive emotion or gesture. Listening speaks volumes. Did you know that the best way to have a conversation with someone who’s in a difficult situation is to listen to them? Listening can be the most precious gift you give a person. As they speak, don’t judge them in any way, or try to fix them. Focus your attention on what is being said and the emotion being expressed. When I was younger, I tended to try and think of what I might say in response, but of course, in doing that, my attention was not on the other person and it became all about me. We do not have to jump in with a response the moment our friend pauses in speaking. In fact I find that my not saying anything often enables the other person to continue with their thoughts.
If you struggle with just starting a conversation, rather than asking “How are you?” (when they’re obviously distraught) you might ask something like “how are you today?” or “what’s that like for you?”
Like any skill, listening can be practiced (ideally long before anyone’s in a crisis situation). If you know that you’re not a good listener, why not practice listening? Ask a friend, partner or child how something is for them and stay quiet and listen. Really listen – don’t interrupt until they finish speaking and then allow at least three seconds of silence before you respond. In fact, as you develop this, you might be surprised how more meaningful conversations can become. Your partner, child or friend might be surprised at your being more interested and attentive to what they say.
Next week, we’ll look at some other ways we can be supportive of a struggling friend.
